I dreamed about Him again a couple nights ago. It was so vivid and slightly intense. A side effect of sorts, I assume.

In the dream my family had been warning me to stay away from Him. They didn’t trust me to be myself. They didn’t want me to cheat on my Husband. I promised them I wouldn’t. Then I went into my room, and there He was waiting for me. Telling me how He missed me, and how He’s so in love with me and how He’s only ever truly been in love with me. I told him to be careful because I didn’t want to get in trouble. Then He touched me and it felt so real. He embraced me, kissed me and undressed me. He was telling me how beautiful I was and how long he’d been waiting for this moment. And then were were close, so close i could actually feel Him. And the door was kicked open. It was my Husband. He looked sad and disappointed. When I tried to apologize the words didn’t come out. My Husband walked away from me. And instead of going after my Husband, I turned back to Him but I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror, and I didn’t like it. I asked Him what he saw in me and he said “Quite simply, you are beautiful. I’ve loved you since I met you. It’s always been you.” As I went to embrace Him, I woke up.

It was weird. I woke up amused. And also very aware that this dream was almost like the last dream I had of Him, but longer and much more detailed.

But I also realized that the Him I was dreaming about isn’t the same guy that exists today. It’s the guy I met in 2004, when he was 17 and I was 22. When He was so beautiful and needing a real confidant at work. When he saw me as the one girl at work that he could be himself around. We hung out after work, we called each other and we relished the days when we worked together.

It’s never really been verbalized, but at some point we had mutual feeling for each other and didn’t want the friendship ruined. So no one said anything. BUt they day I started to, he called me his sister. And I was stuck there.

For the following 3 years, I was stuck in a pit. I was in love with this guy, and he saw me as a great friend. All the while, I never noticed that we were growing apart while I was dating Hubbo. I felt like I was willing to throw away my stable and happy relationship if it even slightly seemed like he’d be mine.

Obviously, that day never came.

In fact, the last time I talked to Him was well over a year ago. I finally admitted that all those years ago I had feeling for him. And since then, I’ve not spoken to Him once.

That’s mostly because I don’t know the guy he is today. I know who he was when we were still hanging out and talking constantly.

And it dawned on me this morning that guy I’ve been dreaming about is Him, 6 years ago. That guy doesn’t exist anymore.

I don’t know what to even do with that. Like, how do I process the thought that this guy I seemingly can’t get over is a past version of a present person?

It’s slightly amusing too. Maybe I’ll really let go of the ghost of “Him Past” and not worry about it anymore.